No Apologies

Tonight my heart is full.  It's been filling up over the last few weeks and days until it finally started to spill over the edges and flow from my eyes.  And really, it's not filled with much of anything substantial, rather mostly the absence of the negative matter that empties my heart (anxiety, guilt, impatience, material things).  Today we played zoo animals on the deck for most of the morning, matching little plastic figures with the memories from the real creatures we saw on our visit to the Como Zoo yesterday on a perfect summer day with our best friends. 

This afternoon we enjoyed a long walk with the new baby cousin and I got to relish in the chatter of a new mom hoping that I didn't fall victim to the "unwanted-advice-from-the-'I know everything after one child'-mother-syndrome" that is so irritating when you're on the receiving end.  I certainly understand more about the want to share your parenting experiences with new moms...any excuse to talk about your children is really hard to pass up!  I just can't stop replaying the magic of the last year and a half as I watch others living out those same new experiences for themselves.  I am also much better at listening and taking to heart what other moms share with me because without the support of a community of mothers (and fathers and families), our family would simply not thrive.  I've naturally let go of much of my, "I can do it on my own" and "Don't tell me what to do" tendencies when I became a mother and am warmly embracing what a friend from church reminded me of recently; "It takes a whole community to raise a child."

Tonight I pulled out leftover roasted chicken from the fridge, veggies that were about to turn, three or four tupperware containers, fresh herbs from the garden and homemade stock from the freezer and made a most delicious and satisfying soup that replaced what was going to be a thoughtless dinner of cottage cheese and applesauce for Marek.  I shut off the tv and brought the high chair back into the dining room, poured myself a glass of wine from the bottle Matt and I opened before he left three weeks ago, and turned on some music (Hal Ketchum) at Marek's request.  I was admiring my mastery of leftovers soup when I noticed Marek leaning forward, lips pooched out and humming a gentle, "mmmmm" to give me a kiss.  He then spoon fed me a few bites from his third bowl of "soupy soup" as if he, too, noticed the intention and thoughtfulness of the dinner and the moment.  I started to cry.  I snapped a quick 22-second video to email to Daddy, the only thing really missing from this close-to-perfect night.
I feel great.  I feel free.  I'm trying to be consciously aware of the things making me feel happy and analyzing the happy-ness of those things so as to create and inventory to pull form when my heart starts to drain.  This was a quick list I jotted down:

1. Food (awareness, energy, health)
2. Money (freedom, ability)
3. Fertility (Marek, beauty)
4. Goodbye Guilt (happiness, no apologies)
5. Nature (nourishing, God, art)
6. Friendship (connections, family, Matt)

Food.  Perhaps what has sparked my recent reinvigoration with life.  I feel connected with my body and excited by the endless possibilities.  I am thankful for the experiences I have had since college that have led me to people that have taught me about food.  First my friends in Alaska who opened my eyes to the world "outside the center isles."  CSAs, organic, home-grown, fresh caught.  I baked bread, filleted fish, helped to grow, cook and serve the food.  I tried quinoa, naan, oysters, artichokes, gingerroot, harissa and a world of other foods for the first time.  At my job in St. Paul I learned where food came from (especially coffee!) and how it got to my plate (or cup).  I worked with people who taught me how to enjoy eating and travelled on a loose budget where I ate at restaurants I otherwise would have only seen on the Travel Chanel.  I am blessed with a health-conscious husband whose example has inspired me to change my habits and am transitioning to a "primal" way of life; kicking the grains for more simple, colorful, whole foods.  I am learning how what we eat affects who we are in a very literal sense.  That healthy body composition is not just about calories in - calories out, but it affects our cells and our genes and puts us in control of our health and our future.  How timely this revelation is when starting to feed another little mouth beside my own.  My body is happy with me and is showing it by more energy and clarity of mind.

Money.  It buys happiness.  Happiness in the form of healthy food on our table.  Happiness in the form of drawers full of colorful yarn, a humidor full of fancy cigars, a tv above our bed that keeps the baby occupied long enough to take a shower.  Luxuries that we are thankful for but know just as well that we could do without.  Happiness mostly in heavy weights lifted from our shoulders knowing that we will be okay.  Money means our health and our abilities and a sense of worth.  For Matt it means wide open spaces and for me the freedom to raise my children and build a home.  It takes us apart but then it brings us back together again and again.

Fertility.  We created a life!  I watched as my body went through cycles, nurtured and grew a tiny person, expelled that person and then continued to nurture him from the outside.  And then it repeats, God willing, to create another life unique form all others but still a part of me.  It's difficult to express.  It's so beautiful.

Guilt-Free.  I know I'm not the only one.  I put so much pressure on myself to do the right thing and create imaginary pressures from others that likely only exist in my head.  I was explaining to Matt on the phone how great I feel when I let go of the concern I have for what others think of me.  I think I could almost hear the sound of him shaking his head.  He's been telling me that for as long as I've known him and does a fine job at doing it himself.  But I had to come to it on my own, as with most things in life that are good for us.  The big one is my happiness; sensing other's own anxieties and then creating excuses for why they don't feel the same way and why it probably won't last that long for me.  I feel great!  This is the life that I want to live and I deserve to feel happy.  God wants me to feel well.  God is good and wants us to feel his goodness.  I've heard, "Hmm, wouldn't it be nice to have the time to cook and crochet and decide between going for a walk, run or rollerblade on a sunny Monday afternoon?"  Yes!  It is nice!  And you could have it too!  I think that I am a very empathetic person and attentive to others' struggles and anxieties but today there are no apologies.  This is how we were meant to raise our families.  Parents are supposed to be with their children.  The whole concept of daycare is strange and unnatural.  Pretend you are from Mars and look at our society.  We are full of excuses but it is possible to do the right thing and to be happy; just do it!  Have you ever actually tried?  Quit dreaming and just make a change.  We are in control of our own decisions and our own happiness.  We can get along with much fewer material goods and still be happy, likely even happier.  Quitting my job was the first big leap, baby steps seem easier and easier and gradually the world will be my oyster!

Nature.  Oh, sweet summer sunshine!  What wonders it does for the spirit!  We've spent the majority of daylight hours outside the past couple of months and I am stopping to take deep breaths and to notice the little things frequently.  I get to experience the world through the eyes of a 1.5-year-old!  I'm inspired to keep life simple and not get overwhelmed by the unnatural.  I am interested in foraging and have found wild strawberries, mint, and asparagus in my area just by keeping my eyes open.  I learned that you can eat sumac, nettles, and plantain though I haven't tried them yet.  I am excited to settle in to our next home and work toward the fun goal of having all of our vegetation be useful or edible.  I am more concerned with preserving all that God has given us.

Friendship.  I am amazed at how having children opens you up to a world of kindness and connections you may otherwise have never experienced.  As soon as I'm feeling lonely, a mom in the park asks me about Marek's shoes and suddenly a friendship is sparked, one that feels like we've known each other for years but really it's only been one afternoon in the park and one play date later.  For me right now, it's often about meeting new acquaintances but I can't forget about all those close friends and family I am so fortunate to have.  How am I so lucky to have seven best friends?  BEST FRIENDS!  I have to call and rehash the important events seven times to seven girls and each will understand fully where I'm coming from and offer a unique perspective, enriching my life in the most fulfilling ways.  My husband is this whole list of happies along with all of the little day-to-day things all in one (handsome) package.  He is everything to me and I experience every part of life with him.  Marriage is much more intricate than I ever imagined and has both exceeded and changed my expectations.  When I want every detail of my life and future laid out in front of me in a nice little grid, I am thankful to have someone with me who constantly reminds me to just hang on and enjoy the ride.

I feel energized, invigorated.  It's easy to get overwhelmed with the good in the world.  I want to share so many of my daily experiences.  "That is so blog-worthy!"  "I wish I had my camera!"  "I need to post that on Facebook!"  I think about all of the things that I can show to my baby, all of the places I could explore with my art, all of the information that is waiting for me to discover.  But I've given myself a break!  How can I really experience my world through a viewfinder?  How intimate is nursing my baby with my smartphone in my other hand?  Life will surely throw us some punches but when you can strip away all of the extra "stuff" and focus on what is really important, and the goal of getting to heaven, everything seems to be a whole lot less dramatic.  I'm learning to keep it simple.  My heart is full and there is really no good reason that I can't keep it that way!

Lord, grant me humility to keep life simple
with the strength to do great things!