L.O.V.E.

The day Marek was born I put on a new pair of glasses and now look at the world a completely different way. For the first few weeks everything was a blur. Childbirth, lack of sleep, and the reality of caring for this life that we had created didn't give me the ability to look much outside of our little bubble. I am now starting to open my eyes up more, stretch out my neck, look up from my son and the world is not what it was to me just a couple of months ago. Whatever material things I enjoyed seem a little bit silly to me now. I see my husband as father which makes him look different as a husband. I am noticing more details about how people relate to each other, even in public, and I'm looking inward at my own relationships and the ways that I love.

It's hard to care for myself because I don't care too much. I don't have much of a need to shower and get dressed and even when we do, I'm okay with not looking my best. I used to fret over becoming one of those moms who "gives up" on themselves after having children. They resort to mom jeans and fanny packs and lipstick doubles as their cheek blush (I love you, Mom). What a dreaded life, they must be so boring and unhappy. Now I can see, after just two month of motherhood, how this all works. At the pre-mom stage of my life I would have been miserable with a mom jeans in a minivan but now I get it, it's less about me. Of course I still need to take care of myself and be healthy and happy and energized enough to take care of my family but I'd wear pants up to my chin every day of my life for the sake of a healthy, happy baby.

I can hear my dad saying, "you'll understand when you have kids of your own." So cliche. I heard it all the time. All those hours spent worrying about us, all those sleepless nights, it all makes sense. I get it. I get it perhaps too much...I want to call him every day and tell him I love him and I'm sorry for ever not calling and I'm sorry for travelling and for even stepping one foot out of his vision because that's when he worried about me.

I just couldn't know the love that is experienced with having your own children until it happened. I came close, but it's just not the same. I love my nieces and nephews so much. I would do anything for them, raise them if I had to, give anything for them. I LOVE them. Sometimes I could just explode with love for them and squish them and eat their chub until there was nothing left of 'em. It is a very strong and particular emotion: love. With Marek it's not the same. There are times that I feel overwhelmed with cuteness and I can't stop kissing him and squeezing him and of course I love him, but it's not the same emotion. With Marek it's like he's a part of me. I love him like I love myself. It just is. It just exists. I can't live without him. It has enriched my understanding of God's love for me and all his children. It's like He winked at me and said, "Ah ha! You get it now, don't you? Now, what are you going to do about it?" Well, I'm going to try to love better. I have more of it now to share.

I was praying for some angels to come into our life, specifically to meet some other mothers with small children in the area and for those who will be with Marek when I go back to work. I've never had a prayer so directly answered before...I was in church with Marek two weekends ago and two mothers approached me; one during the greeting from a different section of the church entirely just to say hello and that I had a beautiful baby and the other after Mass to tell me that she is done having children and is this my first? and I have all sorts of things to give you if you need them. In two weeks Matt, Grandma Barb, and a lovely young lady from the university in town will be with him during the days that I'm gone. We are so thankful that Daddy gets to spend the most time with him but also praying that he finds a new job and trusting that God will hear us.

I feel more...connected. More connected to my husband as we share something that nobody else has (a Marek). I feel just a little more connected to God as I try to understand His love for us. I feel more connected to the earth because that is where my baby lives and where I belong. I see my sisters and my girlfriends who are mothers or about to become mothers and I feel connected to them in ways that I never have before.

When putting Marek to bed tonight I thought it was funny how it seems like he's always been in my life but it has only been ten months since he existed. He didn't exists and then existed. Bam. A life created. It's all too much for me to comprehend. I have the feeling that I'm not the only one who ever experienced all of these thoughts and emotions...that it's been happening this way to mothers since mothers existed and I guess even before that...